We’re once again cris crossing the States doin one off shows, TV and promo and joining the lovely and really amazing Ximenia on the last 10 odd dates of her tour. Cris crossing means flying and flying one thing and one thing only. A chance to see what those good folk at Sky Mall have scoured the planet to bring joy, happiness, togetherness and above all a unified gift of convenience in the form of retail therapy, or ‘stuff’ as I like to give it its scientific name.
These people really should be given some kind of Nobel prize for services to mankind cos really you can stick yer Mandelas and Tutus. Where would we be without the Lounge pants that look like jeans or sunglasses that float??
With Xmas on our doorstep I was looking out for some possible present suggestions for my lucky family. So as I nervously fingered the front seat pouch for a glimpse of the Sky Malls reassuring and slightly controversial wonky red logo (CrazeeDanger!!), my mind started to race at what veritable treasures would those latter day Christopher Columbus’s discovered for us lucky folk?
I was certainly not disappointed….
The front cover proudly displays the face of what must be the happiest traveller in the world. You see he’s ecstatic, not just because his teeth would blind any living creature in a 300 metre radius but also with the knowledge that he doesn’t actually need to unpack ever again, well he does but not like the rest of us weary travellers. All Mr Happy has to do is lift his shelving units straight out of his suitcase and place it directly into the hotel wardrobe!!!! Yes that’s right those Einsteins at Sky Mall have defied the laws of physics, mercurialy turning the seemingly impossible into the possible by putting ones entire wardrobe into a small carry on!!
It’s a two hand job to lift it out but just look at his face! No wonder he looks ecstatic! He doesnt mind the strain, a future of permanent back failure pails into insignificance with the knowledge that he’ll be unpacked and ready to get out and kill in seconds.
Of course he doesn’t care because obviously this is the work of the occult and he himself is quite obviously a grand wizard. Saving so much time, he can now look at the hotel directory to find out where the local witches coven is.
Coming soon from the same company, washing machines, dishwashers, fridges, TV’s and thermo nuclear weapons that disappear when placed in said hand luggage only to reappear on the ‘other (dark) side’
Soggy cereal? How many times have you come down all bleary eyed after a night of serious partying and the only hope you have of attending to your fevered brow, apart from industrial strength coffee, is the joyous headache soothing crunch of your favourite crunchy nut cornflake. Science has proved that the exact frequency and resonance of a crunchy nut flake being crunched in your mouth is the exact same frequency that the brain needs to release Endokwollovokins, a little know but essential chemical ensign commonly released during sex, eating chocolate and re runs of the Price Is right.
As you can see from the picture the little brat has obviously awoken her poor mother, who’s only just got in from a night out with her ‘friend’ (its complicated, for the kids sake we keep it quiet) and in that rebellious brattish way, demanded feeding.
But wait you’ve put the milk in and oh my god what’s happened?? In that moment your poor pathetic tequila sozzled excuse for a brain has forgotten the chemical reaction that occurs when crunchy nut connects with cow juice, or to give it it’s scientific equation:
But now help and relief is at hand. The bowl that spectacularly keeps the milk separate from the cereal. Obviously designed by top scientists at CERN and colour coded for the alcoholically impaired, all you have to do is dip your spoon into the cereal then dip the required amount into the soothing pool of milk. Cereal stays crunchy, crunch delivers happy chemicals, voila headache gone!! Get In!!!!
Of course you could just keep the carton of milk to the side of the bowl and add accordingly but that would be cheating and anyway at $34.99 for two bowls, thats right you can share the experience, I can’t think of anything else I’d rather spend my money on except perhaps the rent, food and probably jus about anything else.
Its Basho the Sumo!!!
I’ve always wanted a Sumo in my garden, I mean who hasn’t? They’re such jolly souls to have while you prune your perennials.
But this one comes with a little extra. Picture the scene. You’ve got some mates around for a nice summer BBQ. Table is laden with chips, salsa, cucumber sandwiches, half a ton of Guacamole, etc, when someone turns up with the complete biscuit isle of Tescos.
Where do you put them? What do you do?
Its at that moment that you remember that ol’ Basho has a little trick hiddem under his layers of fatty sleeve. He can double as a table!! How does he do this you cry? He bends over, I cry!! Yes thats right Basho can bend over and a handy bit of glass placed on his back. Of course, remembering that the ancient art of sumo wrestling involves the attempted movement of two seemingly immovable objects by each other, your stuff ain’t going no where. Solid as a rock! For those that are sat behind Basho you get a little extra something as well….
Yes he has returned!!! Those of you that for some unknown reason follow this blog, will know all about Bigfoot the Yeti as he was featured in my previous Sky Mall post.
It seems that Bigfoot has suddenly come over all shy though cos whereas before he was seen striding proudly through your garden without a care in the world, now Notorious BIG is now hiding behind a tree?!? What could have bought on this sudden attack of the nerves? Is he is ashamed of his beard? Or perhaps he is involved in some way with the current economic crisis that has befallen Europe? Perhaps he is actually Sarcozy’s brother and been banished from the family for not only being a bit different looking but also because he failed to point out that the rescue of Ireland and Greece makes Spain and Portugal weak, which means they need to be bailed out, which in turn made Italy look worse and France a bit wobbly.
I mean did they not teach him this at Yeti school??
Heres a thing. How many times have we sat down in one of those garden chairs only for our better half to say “your looking a bit fat, have you put on some weight? You ought to put that 12th sausage down and get on yer bike”
Actually your jus fine baby and you can keep banging away at the carbs. Its those stupid weedy small garden chairs that are at fault and often end up making you look 30 pounds heavier then you actually are.
Its a clever trick originally devised by the great magician Houdini himself. Houdini would often ask a member of his audience to tie him in a straight jacket, wrap him in big heavy chains, place him on a garden chair and then ask the audience if his bum looked big.
Well wouldn’t Houdini be happy in one of these. Its a giant chair!! You look absolutely minute in it. In fact people will think you’ve shrunk and have taken a bite of the Alice ‘Eat me’ cake. They’ll all be asking your secret. You’ll be able to make a fitness DVD and start a whole new empire of Tony Robbins proportions as millions flock to your door to find your secret of self shrunkness. Or perhaps they’ll just think you look like a plum in Khakis
All this and more available at your Sky Mall. The Sky Mall is somewhere in the sky so perhaps you need a little help to get you up there. Now we’re talking.